Last Saturday wasn’t funny at all. When I first attempted to write what happened on the day, I felt reluctant, because I know you guys will mock me. However, I gathered my confidence and still wrote my ordeal – live goes on. This is my story and MY OWANBE DIARY for this week:
26th of March, 2017 is one day I don’t want to relive again. My friend Tobi was getting married, and I wasn’t going to miss out. I was excited when she broke the news to me, and I immediately booked and paid for my aso ebi.
Tobi and Owoyemi started dating since the days we were attending JAMB lessons, and yes, I was the matchmaker — so I know all about their relationship. When my aso ebi arrived I placed a quick call to @Leigho_ , I wanted my dress to be perfect so I wasn’t going to take any chance.
I got to the venue for the wedding reception and discovered that it was a strictly-by-invitation wedding. Tobi didn’t give me any official invitation card; she had already assured me that I wouldn’t have problem in entering into the venue. In her own words, “Nobody can bounce you when they did not smoke Kwale weed”. Her words made my shoulder pad rise by 200%, and you can imagine the pride in my voice when I replied her, saying “As per matchmaker, na vvvvip high table I supposed dey sef”.
I was heartbroken when the huge Igbo bouncer blocked me from entering, claiming he was working based on orders. I kept my calm, standing under the sun and maintain my slayage in my over 6-inch high heeled shoes. About 25 to 30mins later, Tobi’s brother saw me and greeted me and asked why I was standing outside.
I explained the situation to him, and he asked Uncle bouncer to let me in, asking him if people crash wedding wearing the exact aso ebi in his village. I laughed hard, gave the bouncer a mama Dunni (from the wedding party movie) look and went in with full confidence.
I sat next to this fine guy — well at the end of the day I discovered he wasn’t that handsome. My exposure to the bright afternoon sunlight before entering the hall, had made me misjudge his look at first glance. We were catching up, gisting and his company was great.
Food wasn’t moving at the usual pace, and I was really hungry. A lady was catering for this fine guy and ensuring he got everything, but I was there with no one to fight my battles, but the inner big girl in me made sure I was calm. The lady brought another plate of food for the guy, and he asked her to give it to me. If you people see the way the girl eyed me ehn; but my hungry self ignored the signs.
With gratitude to the guy and whoever that lady was to him, I was able to eat and drink. I later went upstage to greet the couple and dropped my gift; they were glad to see me and that made me feel good too.
I looked around to see if I can see any potential person to spray me money during the after-party dance, but I didn’t see any, so I decided that it was time to go home. I bid my new buddy farewell and was about to leave when he asked the area I was heading to. I told him and he asked me to wait that ‘THEY’ will drop me very close to my street, since it was along their route.
Imran called me to ask if he should come and pick me up, as rain was gathering and it seems like it will be a heavy downpour. I told him not to worry that I got an offer or better still i will use Taxify. He expressed how much he missed me, and I promised we would hang out the following day.
The guy called me that they were ready, and I followed him to the car. Guess what? The lady that catered for him was the one to drive the car. He opened the back seat for me and I settled in. With the expression on her face, I could tell the lady didn’t like that I was joining them in the car.
I realized I was in trouble when she called him ‘BABY’. Apparently, he offered me a ride in his girlfriend’s ride. The next thing, this guy passed his phone to me, asking me to help him check an app on the phone. I collected the phone, only to see that he had typed “PLEASE SAVE YOUR NUMBER AS DANIEL”. In my mind I was like “Egbami; Daniel ko, Jonah ni” and returned the phone back to him.
His girlfriend noticed that something was going on between me and him. But the guy kept on winking and making gestures through the mirror, and at this point it was already raining heavily. I was hoping the road could get shorter so that I could leave the car fast.
The lady also couldn’t endure been insulted anymore — she packed the car and said calmly, “Aunty, please can you drop here”. I was shocked as it was raining heavily already, and I didn’t even have a flat slipper or sandal with me. I knew she respected me already, and any slight mistake might lead to embarrassment.
I alighted from the car and she drove off; the rain drenched me seriously, and there was no shelter around. Just as the rain was beginning to stop a Keke NAPEP approached and the rider asked, “where you dey go madam” and I replied “anywhere but here”. The Keke man noticed I was shivering and offered to drop me at home. I gave him one thousand Naira and expressed my gratitude.
I got into the house and felt self-pity for myself. I suffered. If only, I had allowed Imran come pick me or not assumed every nice guy at weddings is a potential Uber. Well, I poured myself a hot cup of tea and went straight to bed.
I still feel the embarrassment, and couldn’t discuss it with anybody throughout the week. You guys heard it first! I know you guys will mock me, but it’s okay.
Your Favorite Wedding guest,
Maryam Yemi Giwa.